Barbie’s Dirty little Secret

We all have had a love/hate relationship at some point in our lives.

The kind that you know is in no way healthy for you but you can’t help it, they’re soooo beautiful.

You keep being drawn back to them time after time only to have your ego beaten down around your ankles and have your life seem grossly inadequate after a few moments spent in their charmed atmospheric peripheral.

Mine has been going on for 38 long years.

I do believe that my alter Angel was born of that very relationship.

In fact I’m certain of it.

Yup, Angel is a Barbie Doll knock-off.

Okay so even in Angel mode I don’t miraculously and physically sprout an extra 6 inches on each leg.

That would be too Incredible Hulk-ish and green is not my colour.

In my twisted little blonde head though, Angel is every bit a physical impossibility as Barbie and Heidi Klum.

And sometimes in real life a well projected fantasy woman can actually fool people.

Pamela Anderson for instance.

Other times there is a flaw in the projection and no one is fooled.

Anna Nicole for instance.

For 38 long painful years Barbie has been my nemesis.

My ego’s kryptonite.

Every time I get to a comfy place where I am happy and accepting of myself there she is to poke me in the cellulite and slam me back into self-loathing reality.

How do you compete with someone who burst onto the scene and was already a teenage model?

Shut up Cindy Crawford------I was NOT talking to you!

At seven I was eager to believe I had time to evolve into Barbie-ness.

Barbie changed my nightly prayers of wanting to wake up a German Shepard to prayers of wanting to wake up Barbie-esque.

By age 16.

Surely nine years would be enough time, not an unreasonable request.

By the time I was sixteen Barbie had a dream house, designer clothes, a Californian tan, a pink Cadillac and a steady boyfriend for as long as I had been on this earth.

I had zits, one psychotic boyfriend for 2 months time, sun poisoning twice, my brother’s hand-me-downs, 3inch legs and was myopic.

My prayer must have got lost in the queue.

The only thing I managed to be before Barbie was divorced.

Never one to be left behind she promptly became divorced as well.


Imagine my happiness when flipping through the Radio Shack flyer and see that I had beat her out on something else.

By only six months but I’ll take it.

Just in time for Christmas Barbie has got herself a VW New Beetle.

I’ve had Princess since March------I win!

I know hers is a convertible and mines not.

Shut. Up.


While doing some background research while preparing this blog I found out something that is going to take that perpetually perky little over achieving bitch down once and for all.

Sit down this is big.

JLo butt big.

Pam Andersons implant upgrade big.

Omarosa ugly big.

1~ The Barbie doll was invented in 1959 by Ruth Handler (co-founder of Mattel), named after Ruth’s daughter.

2~ The Ken doll introduced as Barbie’s boyfriend in 1961 was named after Ruth's son.

3~ Barbie first had bendable legs in 1965. (So she could play better with Ken I suppose.)

Wait a minute.

Back up to number 2.

Ken is Barbie’s brother!


Some prayers are better and thankfully left unanswered.

German Shepard.

What was up with that?
posted by Angel @ 2:26 PM |


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